Friday, October 9, 2009

Stain Lifter

If there is one place I’d prefer never to find myself again it’s down to my skivvies in the handicapped stall of a nice restaurant. Let me back up.

I was out to lunch with my family at an amazing family-style Italian restaurant. My in-laws were treating us to lunch in honor of my husband’s 31st birthday. We actually made it there on time, a feat that always surprises me when we have the little ones in tow. We sat down for a nice meal, all dressed up for the happy occasion. Our two-month-old slept in her infant carrier while the two-year-old “ate” her lunch and maintained a volume that was appropriate for the setting (another pleasant surprise).

As baby started to stir, I realized I had passed the half-way point in my meal and it was still warm. What a treat! But, the sheer joy of eating warm food must have clouded my good judgment. I picked up my sweet little baby to give her one of my enormous mommy hugs. In the middle of our embrace, I noticed her diaper felt full, so I grabbed the diaper bag and we excused ourselves from the table.

As I walked into the bathroom, the baby started to fuss—loudly! I felt badly for the other woman in the bathroom with her daughter, having to endure my child’s shrill shrieks echoing off every surface in that bathroom.

I rushed into the handicapped stall and single-handedly flung open the wall-mounted changing table, whipped out the diaper changing necessities, and laid my now-screaming baby on the cushy changing pad. And that’s when I saw it. Amid all the squeezing mommy cuddles and fussy baby bustle, poo had shot up the front of the diaper, out the side of her onesie, and smeared all over the both of us. (Yes, I know this is gross, but sometimes being a mom is gross and so, I’ll share it anyway.)

Before the bathroom door closed behind the exiting woman, I said loudly and with much hesitation, “MA’AM!?!”

She came back into the bathroom, “Um, Yes?” she replied.

I nervously explained, “There is a table of people right outside the door; that’s my family. Could you please ask my mom to come in here? Her name is Tish.”

Trying to ignore the fact that I was mortified, I ripped off the poo-stained dress and asked my mother-in-law to rinse it in the sink as I turned my attention to the baby. My mission was to get my baby clean and comforted.

After much maneuvering, I got her cleaned up, diapered, and clothed with the backup onesie. My mother-in-law got most of the poo out of my dress, which I was forced to put back on in order to get home. It was, needless to say, an uncomfortable journey.

I kept replaying the embarrassment of being covered with my daughter’s poo in my head. I was covered in her stains. I was covered in her stains! It wasn’t until her 4 a.m. feeding, when the whole house was quiet and I had time to just “be,” that I realized God knows exactly how I felt. In Jesus Christ, He willingly bore the embarrassment of being covered in the stains of His children. He knew the burden of an uncomfortable journey and yet He kept His focus on His mission of cleansing us of our sin. What a comfort it is to know just how much God loves His children!

Halos and Horns

My daughter just turned two. She looks just like her daddy, which is a good thing! She acts just like her mama, for better or worse… and sometimes both. She has his eyes and my laugh, his nose and my volume control problem, his smile and my energy… and then some! From her early days, she has charmed me with her smiles, cuddles, and kisses. Every milestone in her young life seems to highlight yet another of her sweet characteristics. At ten months old, she would take my face in her hands and press her face up against my cheek and give mama her special giggle-kisses. At 15 months old, she started saying, “God bless you mama,” whenever I sneezed. (Okay, so it sounded like “Gaw bess eu mama” but I know what she meant.) Recently she learned that mommy's name is “Faith” and now that's what she's named her baby doll. I've actually asked myself how it is humanly possible to love someone this much. She is mommy's little angel.

If you noticed, however, I began this article with “My daughter just turned two.” I'm sure that you guessed that what followed couldn't be all shimmery wings and shining halos. You see, my daughter inherited more than my shining halo. She inherited my horns, too. My little angel turned two and discovered that she had a will of her own, apart from mommy's will for her. She discovered that if she made a big enough racket, mom might cave and give up on trying to get her to eat her dinner. She learned that mommy's attention was easily acquired when large crocodile tears were present. And, to be honest, I don't always handle these struggles well, getting frustrated and impatient when I should be calm and nurturing.

Before I had a child, I knew that I needed Jesus, and not just a one time need, but a continual and deep need of Jesus in my life for healing, guidance, and forgiveness. Before I had a child, I knew that my sin affected other people. But, everyone in my life was a “grown up.” They knew my short comings and they knew their own. After my daughter was born, all of the sudden there was someone in my life who was too little to understand my errors, too small to pick themselves up and dust themselves off if I knocked them down, too fragile for me to drop the ball.

I try to be the best mom I can possibly be. But sometime it seems like the best I can be isn't enough. Never before has it been so blatantly clear to me that I – a seasoned Christian, born into a pastor's family, wife of a budding pastor – need Jesus. As much as I try to be the perfect mom, I fail and fall on my knees, praying that the Lord would have mercy on me, a sinner.

But, through every bad day, no matter how far our halos may tilt to the side, God's mercy and grace see us through. Every Sunday, I go to church knowing that God has wonderful news in store for me and my daughter. Jesus Christ came to save sinners, and thank God for that! His Spirit, given to us in baptism, sustains us day to day, keeping the halo from falling off entirely. His body and blood keep us ever mindful of what He has done for us and give forgiveness and mercy to His children.

My daughter and I may go through life struggling between our halos and horns, but Jesus Christ is victorious and won the battle on our behalf. He gave us His halo of righteousness, which never slips to the side. Knowing that His love never fails gives me hope for when my toddler hits her teen years… Lord have mercy!